Shaken

My world is shaken. I read the news reports over and over, still incredulous. They are so direct and factual. And yet, so cold. "FATAL ACCIDENT ... died on impact ... A 23-year-old Murray woman was killed ..." She hated being called a "woman." She was a girl. A girly girl. No one wants to be a womanly woman. Get it right. I want to scream at them for reporting it like it's just another piece of "news" when this time it's so much more.

I scroll through her facebook page, but I can't bring myself to write a message to her that I know she will never read--even though scores of other people have done so. I pause, ironically, on one message from someone who somehow managed to escape the news. It's a friendly "hey girl! I'm doing good! How have you been? How do you like your new job?" I wonder of anyone has informed the sender yet. Her last status update, via her mobile phone, the same day of the accident, proclaims "...is leaving happy valley."

It's so strange the way a facebook page remains up, intact, and functioning. I feel almost as if it is mocking. That it's still alive when its creator is not. But that's silly. How can it know.

I browse her blog. The most recent post talks of "ch-ch-ch-changes." New town, new job, new apartment. So full of excitement and anticipation. And now...

It's a reminder that life is so fragile, so precious, and so uncertain... but what am I going to do with this reminder? I email a friend to say I love you, but manage to refrain from adding "don't die anytime soon, please."

I fail so spectacularly at putting into words the way I'm feeling. I'm not angry. I'm not mad. Maybe a little upset. Definitely sad. And shaken. And you know what, I'll bet she's feeling a little shaken right now too.